Teen Friendship Problems: When to Listen, Step In, or Seek Help

“My daughter’s friend group had a falling out, and she’s still recovering.” This is a phrase I hear often in an intake call. Girls especially feel the upset, frustration, and devastation of a friend group “breaking up” at the beginning of a school year, sometimes with explosive drama, or with quiet rumors, social exclusion, and social media posts. However it happens, it can be extremely painful for your teenager (and for the parents). 

Friend groups can shift, change, and even dissolve quite frequently during middle and high school years. Sometimes it’s by choice, but often, teens are left with no indication as to how they might be at fault (at all) or what they could have done differently.  Even when it’s a case where a parent might experience some relief from a friend group “breaking up”, the teen involved might not be able to see the benefit of leaving a less-than-optimal group of friends. 

For teens, they are in a developmental stage where friendships and social groups mean everything to them. Friendship groups provide teens a sense of identity and belonging. When friendship issues occur, this can cause teens to question their identity, impact how they feel about or see themselves, or make them feel isolated and rejected. This is extremely painful for teens. The frontal lobe of teens isn’t fully formed; this is the part of the brain that manages problem-solving, planning, and can impact future thinking and understanding that this situation is likely only temporary. Teens can get “stuck”, overthink, and get consumed by these social upheavals. 

Parents often come to my office expressing concerns about how involved they should be in their teen’s friendship dynamics. It can be a delicate art to know how much to assert yourself in a friendship concern with a teen. Our first instinct can often be to offer advice or relate to them with a story of what happened to us. However, when teens are in an emotional, “activated” state of mind, they may not be able to hear, process, or take in our guidance, however brilliant and applicable it might be. 

Here are some strategies for how to connect and support your teens in that moment:

Listen more than talk: When your teen comes to you expressing concerns about a peer relationship, it’s always important to listen, be present, and not offer advice unless they are ready to hear it from you. As adults, we may think that we know the full story or solutions, but oftentimes, teens can resolve their own problems or determine ways to move forward on their own. Our job as parents is to teach problem-solving skills, rather than solve things for them. 

Validate their feelings: “That sounds so painful, and I can understand why this is so hard for you. I get it.” Avoid the urge to do something to take their discomfort or pain away. Sit with them, be a calm presence, and pause with them. Try not to force them to move on or simply “ignore it.” That can be nearly impossible for some teens. If you have an intense reaction to the situation, this may cause your teen to avoid sharing things with you. Be mindful of trying not to criticize the friend, tell your child they are being dramatic, or say things like, “You will find better friends!” Teens feel very connected to their friends, and this can feel like a betrayal to them. 

Ask what they want from you: “Do you want advice, or do you just want to vent?” is an easy way to determine what they might think would be helpful for them. If they are unsure, you can ask if they might want to talk through or role-play different ways to handle the situation. Or try asking, “What would feel most helpful from me right now?”

When to get involved: If, at any time, these situations involve threats, emotional or physical safety concerns, violate school rules, there is harassment, bullying, or sharing of inappropriate pictures online, that is likely the time to contact the school and get them involved. Document what is happening and report it to a school counselor or administrator. 

Begin by documenting the incidents and contacting the appropriate school professional rather than immediately contacting another parent or child.

When to seek support: If your teen starts avoiding school, activities they once enjoyed, or do not seem to recover within a week or two, this might be time to seek out support. It’s normal to grieve the loss of a friendship; this can take time. However, if you find that your teen isn’t able to move on or is spending an excessive amount of time in bed, watching tv, or scrolling to numb their feelings, that’s a time to consult with a professional. 

Other signs to look out for are: obsessive checking of social media, persistent sadness or anxiety, sleep or appetite changes, withdrawal from family activities, declining academic performance, statements of hopelessness, worthlessness, suicidal thoughts, or self-harm. 

If you find your teen has difficulty reading or understanding social situations, continues to have the same or similar conflicts with different friend groups, repeatedly chooses friends that are unkind or unhealthy, is unable to advocate for themselves, or continues to be excluded, this can also indicate that perhaps your teen could benefit from additional help from a trained professional. Therapy can help teens practice advocacy, problem-solving skills, determine healthy qualities of friendships, tolerate the uncertainty of changing friendships, develop communication skills, and become more secure with themselves. 

What if your teen does not want therapy?: Sometimes, teens are reluctant to seek out therapy. If this is the case, avoid using it as mandated or as a punishment. If they see it as mandatory, they may resist the process. Instead, involve them in the process by providing them with choices in selecting a therapist. Most therapists have websites where you can view a profile. Many therapists offer free phone consultations and should be willing to speak to the teen directly over the phone, as well as the parent if needed. Give them the option to try a session with a therapist to see how it goes. If they truly refuse, you could consider parent coaching or individual therapy for yourself for guidance. 

Teen friendship problems do not always require adult intervention. Sometimes teens need a parent who can tolerate their distress, listen carefully, and avoid rushing to fix it. However, changes in mood, functioning, or safety indicate that more support is warranted. If you aren’t sure, you can reach out to a therapist for a consultation to see if therapy is a good fit.

 “Supposedly, when your kids become teens, you go from producer to consultant. That's the difference. You're no longer producing their lives. You're there for them to consult.” – Amy Poehler 

If friendship problems, social exclusion, or anxiety are affecting your teen or your family, PRN Counseling can help. We currently offer teen therapy and parent coaching, with in-person appointments in North Bethesda and virtual appointments throughout Maryland, DC, and Virginia. Contact us for a free 15-minute consultation.