My Teen Says They Just Want to “Bed Rot” All Summer!

Many parents of teens come to my office expressing frustration that their kids seem unmotivated over the summer. They want their kids to want to be busy over the summer and not just sit around and “bed rot” or shop or hang out with friends watching TV or playing video games. This can create conflict between parents and teens and a tricky tightrope balance of how much to push your kids versus how much to let them be “kids” and relax. There is obviously no magical ratio of relaxing to being busy. This will depend on your child’s preferences, how they are doing in school, financial needs, their goals for the future, and their temperament. 

Here are some things to help support your teen over the summer: 

Figure out what you want their summer to look like: First, sit down and consider what you actually want their summer to look like. This will likely include a discussion with their other parent or your spouse. Consider what, in your mind, would be the bare minimum standard for their summer. Are you ok with significant downtime? Are you expecting them to make some money? Are you expecting them to take a class or volunteer? Learn a skill? Intern? Think about what is realistic for your teen and what would actually benefit them. 

Have them think about what they want their summer to look like: If they say they only want to sit and chill all summer, help them to brainstorm other options. Is there a skill they want to learn? Is there a class they want to take? A hobby they want to pick up? Do they want to work on driving, prep for standardized tests, college applications, college visits, or support with academics? 

Set clear expectations and boundaries: Once you have established these, have an open conversation with your teen about what you would like to see for them over the summer. Ask them what they want to do and show interest and curiosity in their responses. We can’t expect every teen to be intrinsically motivated to get a job, clean the house, or volunteer.  Some teens might be anxious or not know where to start. Others might still be feeling overwhelmed from the school year. Whatever it may be, it’s important for parents to be clear on what they wish for their kids to be doing. 

Determine “consequences”: If they genuinely try to follow through with getting a job and don’t have one, punishing your child for the challenging job market doesn’t benefit them. Help them to find other options that might be suitable. If, on the other hand, they don’t make any effort, what are you willing to do to hold them to some sort of alternative? Do they need to help a relative for the summer? Do they need to volunteer? Do they lose privileges if they don’t try? If they get a job but aren’t reliable, there will likely be a natural consequence that they might not keep the job. Talk to your teen about appropriate consequences. Hopefully, they have the insight to be able to offer ideas of what an appropriate response may be. 

Screens, Screens, Screens: There is no denying that most teens are addicted to their screens. There have been multiple studies about the negative impact of social media on teens. Their brains are primed and can become addicted to the dopamine hits that come from video games, tiktok, or the like. Have a conversation about screen limits over the summer. Brainstorm with them how much time is ok and have them start to track how much time they actually spend interfacing with screens. Talk to them about their mood after they spend a long time on screens. 

Fun in the sun: Encourage your kids to get out of their rooms, be active, and move their bodies outdoors. Ideally, teens will realize that the more they move their bodies and get outdoors, the better they feel. 

Allow them time to rest: Rest is a good thing. Finding the balance between resting and restoring your energy vs. being comatose in your room for days on end is important for teens. Many adults have the belief that rest is a waste of time, and this is where we burn out and become overwhelmed. It’s important to teach kids the value of rest and how to have an effective balance. 

When discussing summer plans with your child, try to keep an open mind and allow them to speak first. Silence and allowing think-time with teens can be extremely beneficial. If your teen still seems resistant, reluctant, or is refusing to follow through at all, speaking with a therapist could be beneficial for them to determine what is underneath these behaviors and work through them.

“It is not what you do for your children, but what you have taught them to do for themselves that will make them successful human beings.” – Ann Landers