All You Did All Day Was Sit at Home with the Baby…

Having a baby can be an amazing, incredible experience full of joy and excitement. New parents coo and are in awe of their beautiful new baby. Before having children, many couples discuss theoretical situations as to how childcare will be managed, who will oversee what tasks, or how they want to handle various scenarios with their children. However, once the baby is born, emotions run high, lack of sleep makes decision-making almost impossible, and parents must adapt to their baby’s ever-changing needs. All optimistic plans get thrown out the window. Stress, irritability, and overwhelm can take over, especially when one spouse returns to work before the other one (or at all). Then, it’s an entirely new set of logistics and stressors. One issue a lot of new parents struggle to manage is the notion of “division of labor,” or the concept of how household and childcare tasks are divided. 

When one spouse returns to work, their focus naturally becomes re-navigating their job and the workplace. They must put their “work” hat back on and recall how they function and succeed in their job. There is increased pressure to make money to support the baby and maintain the same standards prior to becoming a parent. 

What makes staying at home exhausting, and how to make it clear to your partner: 

Constant task-switching or being “on” with no break: our brains naturally want to conserve energy. They want to streamline tasks so that we no longer need to actively think about them. Consider something like brushing your teeth or putting on your shoes. You don’t think about the active steps each task requires; your brain does it by rote. When you are caring for a baby or a child, you are constantly having to switch from task to task based on what the baby needs. Primary caretakers are constantly interrupted by cries, dirty diapers, and schedules that are often out of their control. This is harder on our brains and depletes us. 

External expectations: Primary caretakers often have external expectations and judgments placed on them by others. Is the baby eating enough? Are they pooping or peeing enough? Are they on the proper schedule? Have you babyproofed the house? Are their clothes clean? Are the bottles washed? Do they have the next size of clothes? Are you sleeping when the baby sleeps? Are you bottle or breastfeeding? People make judgments about whether primary care takers are doing it “right,” and everyone has an opinion. It’s impossible to please everyone, and this can be exhausting. 

Differing opinions of partners: Partners often have different opinions of how certain things should happen in the household. As much as one can discuss things prior to having the baby, once the baby is born, feelings and beliefs can change. What once seemed important or logical, now no longer makes sense. If the baby has colic, reflux, or other health challenges, these require different approaches and logistics. 

More to balance: The task of managing a household may have been easy to maintain before having kids, but once you add bottles, diapers, toys, equipment, playmats, baby clothes, and newborn gifts to the mix, the workload grows exponentially. Increased dishes, laundry, tidying, planning, and organizing make the task of managing a household complex and require more awareness and forethought. 

Childcare is a paid-career: Although it is a natural part of having a family (someone needs to take care of the child), if stay-at-home parents were making the same in salary as if one pays for daycare of a nanny, that parent would likely be making the same as a full-time salary. One may be “saving money” by keeping a child at home, but there is still lost income in what one could be earning if they were working outside of the home. 

If you are feeling as though your partner is not as supportive as you would like once they go back to work, it’s important to articulate your concerns when you notice a problem is starting. It can be easy to dismiss or push away concerns, but this can lead to a bigger issue over time. Unfortunately, many moms need to prove to their partners that caring for a baby is time-consuming, draining, and overwhelming. Discussing concerns about feeling invalidated, ignored, or dismissed are important to do early on in a new family. Couples counseling can often be a great place to discuss concerns and work through challenges openly. 

Things that could help with the division of labor or the mental load. 

Make the unseen, seen: Write down a list of all the logistics and thoughts that are in your brain. Ask your partner to help brainstorm ways to manage these tasks

Do a “Time Audit”: Go through your day and write down all of the things you did, and the time spent on each task. This can bring to light both where there might be more wiggle room than you originally thought, but also can demonstrate how much needs to happen each day. 

Have the non-primary caretaker do a house-audit: Have the non-primary caretaker run through each area of the home and write down what needs to be done, consider ways that things could be improved or re-organized, and break down the steps for each task. 

Determine on/off times: Allow each partner time when they are not with the baby (when the baby is awake). Take shifts to do things like showering, exercising, spending time with friends, and resting. 

Trading places: On the weekends, attempt to “trade places” for a few hours. The primary caretaker leaves the house for a period of time and runs errands or works on an outside project. Set the expectations that the baby needs to be taken care of, the house needs to be tidied, meals need to be cooked, etc., simultaneously. Review the afterword on the impact on the partner who stayed home with the child. 

If your partner is resistant or reluctant to try any of these things, be curious without judgment. It can give some insight into what they are feeling. In new families, there is a great deal of adjusting, communication, and trust that needs to be in place to have a household run smoothly. Patience, flexibility, and cooperation help to make the journey more manageable.

"Having children is like living in a frat house - nobody sleeps, everything's broken, and there's a lot of throwing up" — Ray Romano