What happened to my sweet kid? Managing the changes of Middle School

My first internship in Graduate School was at a school for kids with learning differences. When I began Graduate School, I knew that I wanted to work with teenagers and was thrilled to have the opportunity to work in a middle school. In Social Work school, you have an internship and an additional seminar where you discuss your internship and any transference or countertransference you experience. This is the notion that therapists will have feelings or experiences related to their clients that trigger memories of their own past. It’s critical that clinicians process these feelings, as they can impact their work with clients. 

Working in a middle school, of course, brought up memories of my ownstrange and sometimes uncomfortable experiences that I had. Managing changing friendships, body changes, and how boys went from gross to actual potential romantic partners. From figuring out how you want to dress, managing more schoolwork, and trying to become your own person while still fitting in. Middle school, especially 7^th grade, can be hard for kids.  

It is a challenging time for most teens, and it can be difficult for parents, too. The sweet little child they knew often starts looking gawky or awkward. They suddenly want more independence, to go out with their friends without supervision, or talk with them more on the phone, or they suddenly see you as uncool.  

Over the years, I’ve had many parents bring middle school students to me, and they are completely confused as to who their child has become. They don’t understand or recognize how this sweet child who used to tell them everything, now grunts and hides in their rooms, but talks to their friends for hours. As a result, Parents feel alienated and confused. 

Here are some ways to support your middle schooler without losing your mind in the process: 

If you allow your child to have social media, set firm boundaries: Make sure that they allow you to see their profile and that it’s private. Only let them accept friend requests from people they actually know (not a friend of a friend that they may have talked to one time). Teach them to only post things that they are ok with the entire world seeing. Have discussions about the consequences of social media. Remember that almost every study about social media reports higher rates of depression and anxiety in kids. Make these decisions thoughtfully and carefully. 

Give space for them to find themselves: It’s a normal developmental stage that kids at this age want to find themselves outside of their parents. They will test things out and see what feels comfortable or what helps them to gain social approval. Allow them space, but talk to them when they are open to it about changing themselves for other people. 

Try not to force conversations: Invite your child to talk, but don’t be too pushy. It’s important to ensure your child is listening and engaged when you are speaking to them. Model having conversations without looking at devices or screens. Put your phone down, make eye contact, and talk to them as if you would speak to another adult. Try things like “I’d like to talk about _____, let me know when you are feeling up to it” or “Let’s talk about ___. Would you prefer to talk before or after you finish your homework?”

Try to listen without judgment and validate: Take deep breaths, focus on maintaining neutral facial expressions, while validating their feelings. When kids know that you are open to listening without judgment or criticism for making the wrong choices, or giving unsolicited advice, they are more willing to talk to you in the future when bigger things come up. Try to temper your responses. One good thing to ask is, “Do you want advice, or do you just want to vent?” Then try to follow through with what they ask for. You can also say, “I’m happy to talk through with you ways to handle this if you’d like.” 

Allow them to fail (within reason): Give your tweens more autonomy to be in charge of their own homework and assignments. This is a time for them to determine how much to study, learn to organize themselves independently, and prepare for high school and higher expectations. Allowing them to fail or forget a handful of assignments or tests occasionally can teach them to recognize natural consequences and how to manage school more effectively in the future. They want to learn on their own as much as they did when they were a toddler and refused to let you help them buckle their seatbelt. It can be painful and uncomfortable for parents, but it’s good for them to learn to balance school and social lives on their own. 

How to know when to be concerned: There is a difference between a typical sullen teen and a teen who is really struggling to cope. We have a quiz on our website that can help you determine if your child needs therapy. Some red flags are things like not eating, crying or having outbursts more often, suddenly losing multiple friendships, failing multiple classes, school refusal, or expressions of hopelessness or self-harm. Listen to your gut. If you suspect they need additional support, talk to the pediatrician or school counselor (if they have a relationship). If your child is asking for therapy, we always encourage parents to listen to them and seek out for professional help. 

Being the parent of a middle schooler can often feel as if you are walking on eggshells. One day, you are the best parent in the world, and the next, you are annoying and embarrassing. Much of this is the typical way that middle schoolers relate to their parents. Show them that you are there to support them through this wild, weird time and that you can handle riding the roller coaster with them. If you find yourself struggling to manage your feelings around raising a middle schooler, you may want to consider therapy for yourself as well. It can be helpful to process emotions from your past to ensure that we are not jumping to conclusions or “putting” our own feelings onto our kids. 

“My instinct is to protect my kids from pain. But adversity is often the thing that gives us character and backbone.” — Nicole Kidman