When Your Child’s Emotions Become Your Own

A few weeks ago, I had lunch with a colleague who now has a teenager. We discussed the challenges of raising our children and situations that can trigger us (yes, psychotherapists still get triggered) We also talked about the difficulty of stepping back and allowing our children to solve their own problems. As a parent, it's hard to witness your child struggling socially or experiencing emotional pain. When you ask a parent what they want for their children, most will state that they want their kids to be happy. Parents will go out of their way to ensure the happiness of their children. We work hard to share our own life experiences in an effort to spare them from having negative experiences of their own. One of my biggest parenting challenges is realizing that I can’t bubble wrap my children and protect them from everything. There are times when I can protect them, and times when it does them a disservice and keeps them from learning from their own experience. 

As with everything, there is a balance between how much we can protect our kids and allowing them to live their own lives and potentially face discomfort and pain. As kids grow older, our job is to help launch them out into the world and be able to be independent adults. This is terrifying for all of the parents I have encountered. 

Here are some strategies for supporting your kids when they are struggling socially: 

**Remember to utilize these strategies based on where your child is socially/emotionally/developmentally. Obviously, if there are any physical safety concerns, be sure to address this with proper school staff or other adult figures who may be in charge if it is an out-of-school activity

It’s their issue to resolve, not yours: When your child comes to you with a social problem, the first thing to do is take a deep breath. If you find yourself having a strong emotional response, ask yourself if this reminds you of something from your past. It can be very easy for our brains to proverbially “bring us back” to a similar time in our lives. We can physically feel the sensations that we felt at the time, and our nervous system can get quickly activated. In those moments, breathing can help ground us and allow us to see our child’s situation from a clearer perspective. 

If you find yourself becoming emotionally distraught, this is a good time to reach out to a trusted friend, partner, relative, or professional for support in processing your feelings.

They may be similar to us, but they aren’t us: When your child approaches you with an issue, be curious, listen to the full story, and validate their feelings. Allow them time to process and work through their feelings. Sit with them and be present. As parents, it’s common to feel the urge to quickly resolve the issue and eliminate their negative feelings. In the long run, we know it simply teaches us to use less-than-optimal coping skills in our adulthood. Resist the urge to make the bad feelings go away. This approach can help break negative patterns from our past and teach our children healthier skills for the future.

Do With Not For: We must remember not to solve problems for our children based on what happened in our past. If your child is old enough, ask them how they wish to resolve the issue. Give them time to think of potential solutions. If they struggle to come up with their own ideas, you can assist them by suggesting two or three possible ways to resolve the problem. If they’re open to it, you can even role-play how each scenario might turn out and then determine the best potential option.If they are too young or unable to solve problems independently, this can be an opportunity to discuss perspective-taking, the impact of our actions on others, and general lessons about pro-social behavior. You may want to consider expressing your concerns to school staff when appropriate. For young children, planning playdates or increasing social opportunities can be helpful as well. 

Like Elsa, “Let It Go…” Once your child has determined how they wish to resolve the concern, we must follow their lead as to how they wish to handle it moving forward. Often, children will quickly move through the problem or even forget that it happened. If the issue persists, you can attempt to problem-solve and role-play again to talk through other potential solutions. If your child says they truly are no longer concerned about it, it is important for us to let it go and allow our kids to move past it. It’s then up to us to manage our own feelings and determine ways to move on. 

It can be extremely challenging to step back and refrain from intervening when our children are going through a difficult time socially. Remember, we can offer support without attempting to fix the problem for them, and we can be understanding without minimizing their feelings. This approach can often be the most supportive course of action.

“Nothing is permanent in this wicked world - not even our troubles.”- Charlie Chaplin

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