From Marital Bliss to Something’s Amiss: How to Reconnect When Life Has Pulled You Apart

Remember the days as a newlywed, when the future looked bright and you wanted to spend every second together? Now you’re busy running from one commitment to another. Getting the kids to practice, taking the pet to the vet, and completing work projects before their deadlines.  You used to feel a strong connection, sharing inside jokes, relaxing at brunch, or quiet evenings together. However, somewhere between work, kids, and errands, the closeness has frayed. Many couples express feelings of being "more like roommates than lovers." If this resonates with you, know that you are not alone. We want you to stay hopeful and know that reconnection is possible even when life is chaotic. Here are some tools to get started.

Agree that you both want to make the effort to work on the marriage: This is a key component. People need to know that their partner is “on board” and cares as much as they do. Otherwise, this can lead to frustration and resentment that one person is “doing all of the work.” If one person is not willing to make the effort, it may signal a deeper underlying concern that needs to be addressed. This could indicate a need for couples counseling. 

Use the “State-of-the-Union” check-in: Schedule an appointment 10–15 minutes weekly (or biweekly) where each person shares: 

• What’s been going well in the relationship? 

• What’s been frustrating about the state of the relationship? (Utilizing constructive feedback). 

• One wish for the coming week. 

Be sure to use “I” statements and resist the urge to blame or defend immediately. Reflective listening, or repeating what you heard the other person said, before responding, can be a good way to exercise taking a pause before reacting. 

Rediscover the small “us” moments: Intimacy doesn’t always come in grand gestures. Notice the small shared moments: a shared glance, a quick check-in text midday, or anything that indicates that your partner has been thinking of you. Make an effort to hug each other daily or kiss for at least 6 seconds (a suggestion from John and Julie Gottman). These tiny “micro-connections” punctuate your day and keep the emotional door open.

Learn the art of repair: In conflict, one partner may (intentionally or unintentionally) say something hurtful. A repair attempt is a gesture—such as an apology, acknowledgment, joke, or gentle touch—aimed at halting the escalation of the conflict. Recognizing and responding calmly to these repair attempts can help restore a sense of safety. Even a simple “I see your point” or “Let’s hit pause and come back to this later” can disarm tension.

Your Partner Can’t Read Your Mind: An all-too-common issue in relationships occurs when partners often expect their partners to know what they need. This can lead to frustration when one partner isn’t meeting the other’s unexpressed desires. Practice telling your partner what you want and asking for what you need. Use clear and  compassionate communication, such as saying, “I’ve been feeling lonely, could we plan 15 minutes together tonight?” Using statements like “I feel” or “It would be helpful if…” or “I’ve noticed that…” can open up conversations and help to get your point across. When you ask for what you need in a concrete way, instead of expecting your partner to be a mindreader, you create space for collaboration.

Take a phone detox: Make a point as a couple to step away from your phones at a certain time daily for at least 10-15 minutes and engage fully with each other. Be sure to make eye contact with your partner during this time. 

Talk about S-E-X: As life gets busy, it can be easy for sex to become less of a priority. When we are tired, overwhelmed, or frustrated, we might find sleep more appealing. During your regular check-ins, discuss your needs and desires for your sexual relationship and set goals for ways to reignite that connection. 

Set aside time to connect: If you are able to plan consistent date nights, that is ideal. Make an effort to discuss topics beyond your day-to-day activities, and truly engage with the person you’re with. If you can’t carve out date nights, try date lunches, brunches, morning coffee, walks together, or brainstorm other ways that you can find alone time together. Make these activities appointments on your calendar and be sure to prioritize them. These routines create predictable times for emotional reconnection amid busy schedules.

It's important to recognize that it’s often the small, daily efforts that build the strongest connections. Reconnection isn’t always easy, but it’s possible with intention, consistency, and sometimes outside support. If your partner is on board, couples therapy can accelerate change and deepen understanding. Visit our couple’s therapy services page or schedule a consultation today.

“Marriage is the highest state of friendship. If happy, it lessens our cares by dividing them, at the same time that it doubles our pleasures by mutual participation.” —Samuel Richardson