Mama’s Don’t Let Your Babies Grow up to be Bullies… (to themselves or others)

As early as Pre-K, my daughter came home and shared that an older boy told her she was ugly. Growing up in the 80s, I was conditioned to the excuse it away” behavior of “oh, that means a boy likes you.” As a parent and a Social Worker, I had to fight all of my programming to coach my daughter through this complex and horribly upsetting situation. I personally had to fight my urge to call the parents and report this offense to them (or take other drastic measures the next time I saw that mean Kindergartener). As much as I could have told my daughter how beautiful she is or how it’s not true, when these statements come from a peer, it’s hard not to internalize them and believe them as truths. As kids, we take feedback from peers to be much more pertinent than what we hear from our parents. Developmentally, as kids age, it’s appropriate for them to want to fit into a social group and feel a sense of approval and acceptance from others. 

Bullying is, unfortunately, a widespread issue, occurring in various settings from workplaces to playgrounds and even among world leaders. It is a behavior used by individuals to exert power, influence, and control over others. It’s rare to find someone who has never felt bullied, talked down to, degraded, or harassed in some way. Often, bullies have been bullied themselves, experienced trauma, or witnessed the bullying behavior of others. With the rise in cyber social interaction, oftentimes people feel that they are anonymous or that there will be no consequences for their behaviors. 

One thing I have realized in my years in practice is how often this external bullying then morphs into internal bullying and self-criticism. When someone is exposed to bullying language, it’s unfortunately an all too common circumstance that one starts to engage in negative self-talk. Much of this is due to our “negativity bias,” or natural tendency to recognize and notice negative things that happen to us. This is a self-protective principle that often backfires in making many people feel generally terrible.

How do I support my child if they are engaging in negative self-talk? First, avoid making statements like “that’s not true!” or “what are you talking about?!?!” because the immediate response is often, “yes, it is! I know I am____.”  Instead, help your child consider the impact of that thought on their well-being. Start by empathizing with them; you might say, “That’s a really tricky thought,” or “I know when I think those things about myself, it’s painful.” Then, ask questions like, “How do you feel when you think that way?” or “What evidence do you have that those things are true?” Finally, work together to brainstorm more helpful, encouraging, or truthful things that they could say to themselves.

We all know that bullying can really hurt people. Not everyone who bullies has bad intentions; however, most victims of bullying feel the negative impact deeply. 

What do I do if I find out my child is bullying? Before you punish your child, be curious, ask them calmly to explore their feelings about that specific peer. Encourage them to reflect on how they felt during the incident, whether they have any regrets about their actions, and how their behavior may have affected the other person. Help them brainstorm alternative ways to handle the situation. Ideally, your child can demonstrate some remorse for their behavior. Work with them to attempt to correct it, and if they are open to it, to apologize for their actions. 

What do I do if my child is being bullied? If your child is young, it's helpful to involve the school counselor or teacher. Teach your child to go to a trusted adult or get support from a peer. There are many strategies for handling bullies, such as walking away, standing up to the bully appropriately, and trying not to react to the bullying. Talk to your child and see what they feel comfortable doing. This could be a good opportunity to role-play different scenarios together. 

What do I do if I’m being bullied at work or at home? Try to establish clear boundaries for yourself. In a workplace setting, see if there is an HR department or a place where you can file a formal complaint. Attempt to set firm boundaries with others and explain to people that you would prefer if they avoided a specific topic. Often, people may not realize the negative impact their words can have and might mistakenly believe they are just joking.. If you have made efforts to advocate for yourself and nothing is working, you may need to reconsider if that environment is still the right fit for you and if you might need to come up with an exit strategy. 

If you are experiencing bullying from a partner or a family member, try to have an open discussion about how their behavior impacts you. Ask them to engage with you in a different way. If you need additional help, you may want to consider working with a mental health professional to determine how to improve that relationship. 

What do I do if I see others being bullied? Be a good bystander (be sure to keep yourself safe). First, check with the victim to see if they need help or support. If it’s a friend at school, encourage them to talk to the school counselor or a trusted adult. See what the victim feels will be most helpful to them and respect their requests. Do not bully them into taking actions they are not comfortable doing. 

Unfortunately, bullying will continue to be an issue in our society. Personally, it helps me to recognize that most bullies have experienced their own hurt and pain,  which they often project onto others. I work with my children to be kind and compassionate to others and themselves in the hope that they will demonstrate positive behaviors to others. 

“A single act of kindness throws out roots in all directions, and the roots spring up and make new trees.” - Amelia Earhart