“They’re Just Doing it for Attention…”

Oftentimes, when someone engages in extreme behavior such as  self-harm, substance use, or even a suicide attempt— especially if they have not previously expressed feelings of depression or anxiety— the immediate reaction is often, “Oh, they were just doing it for attention.” It’s a common reaction that has been normalized all too often in our society. I remember saying it myself when I was a teenager, if I felt that someone in my school was being “dramatic” or having an exaggerated response. Intense reactions tend to make people uncomfortable, leading them to justify, downplay, or dismiss these behaviors. The problem with this is that the needs of the person displaying the behavior are ignored. Dismissing these actions can become extremely problematic and unfortunately can lead to repeated use of their destructive behavior or even more dangerous actions. 

When someone engages in a drastic behavior— especially teens or tweens— there is concern about the response being more rewarding, which might unintentionally encourage them to repeat the behavior. I often hear statements like, “But I’m worried that if I pay too much attention to them after an incident, they will get the response they want from me and do it again!” It’s important to remember people are different than puppies. When a puppy engages in a less preferred behavior, sometimes ignoring it is the best option. However, for a person, ignoring that behavior does not necessarily extinguish it. Whether a person repeats the behavior has to do with a multitude of factors. If they experience some sort of relief from engaging in the behavior or a positive internal response (which tends to be the case with substance use or self-harm), this can lead the person to continue to engage in the behavior. When people are struggling, they look for anything to help them feel better, even if it’s just a temporary relief.  This is where the situation gets even more complicated.

Ultimately, what can one do if they feel that someone engaged in a behavior “for attention” rather than a valid reason? Here are some things to consider:

Ask the person what they were experiencing: Take the time to ask the person what their concerns are, what they are experiencing, and what they hoped to achieve from the behavior. Be curious, non-judgmental, and calm. Give them space and time to express their concerns openly. Utilize encouraging statements like “I’m here for you no matter what.” Or “I am here to support you, and I want to understand your perspective.”

Ask the person what they think they might need: People generally tend to know what needs are not being met and want to share those needs with others who are willing to listen. I have seen countless teenagers who have reported concerns about their friend’s mental health with statements like, “their parents would never take them to therapy” or “they would never tell their parents that they are self-harming.” 

Believe them: Believe what the person is telling you. Validate their feelings. Avoid placating, downplaying, or dismissing their concerns. Even if you personally feel that the situation isn’t as severe or believe they should “get over it”, it’s important to see these behaviors as a cry for help or a desire for more support. 

Catch it before it becomes more extreme: Unfortunately, it’s common for people to continue to engage in negative behaviors if they find any relief at all from the behavior. I’ve even had clients self-harm an additional time when they were feeling particularly low, even if they didn’t find it rewarding the first time. When someone is feeling depressed, anxious, or overwhelmed, they are often not thinking clearly and look for anything to make the feeling cease. In those moments, people can be impulsive and take drastic actions. 

Attention seeking = connection seeking: Many well-known clinicians are shifting the narrative from attention seeking to connection seeking. If you can make the shift in your own mind that one is really looking to connect, feel heard, feel seen, and understood, this can help to bring down our own frustrations or negative feelings about the behavior, and look at the person as someone who feels hurt, disconnected, or lonely. By shifting our perspective, we are better equipped to be patient and supportive of our loved ones. 

Unfortunately, ignoring someone’s feelings often causes more harm than checking in and supporting their needs right away. Telling someone to “get over it,” that they are “being dramatic,” or to simply “stop crying” rarely fixes the problem; it just causes someone to internalize their concerns and stop sharing them with others. The old adage, “better safe than sorry,” holds true in cases such as these. 

When it comes to our loved ones, we want to ensure they are safe, happy, and healthy. Life can be challenging at times, and the strategies that worked for us might not work for others. There are ways to be supportive, understanding, and show love without condoning negative behaviors. Over time, people can learn appropriate coping tools and ways to manage their negative emotions. “I've talked to nearly 30,000 people on this show, and all 30,000 had one thing in common: They all wanted validation...I would tell you that every single person you will ever meet shares that common desire.” - Oprah Winfrey